GAS: REGULAR OR PREMIUM?

A friend whose blog gets hundreds of hits daily (and who graciously reads my lower-profile efforts) told me that I should stop living--and writing--in my head. No more intellectual gnawing at the big issues--just have some fun with blogging, she said. 

Well, OK. Here goes. I have certainly moved south of my head with today’s topic: banning flatulence in middle schools.

There may be eight million stories in the Naked City, but in Camden, Maine the big news is that deliberate flatulence has been forbidden in the 8^th grade. Yes, that’s right folks—someone in Camden has finally cracked down on these young punks running, er… expelling wild. Or maybe not. The actual school policy references “disruptive behavior,” but certainly boys sponsoring an informal contest around who can emit the loudest digestive gas would be disruptive. To say the least.

I feel empathy for the science teacher in the story who was forced to have a talk with the boys—because I’ve had to have several such “talks” with my own 7^th and 8^th graders. My specialty is the classic “don’t empty your spit valve on someone else’s chair,” but I am also fluent in nose-blowing, scab-flicking and petrified gum. And, of course, showing common courtesy when you have head lice.

I first read about the flatulence story on a listserv dedicated to middle school teachers, where most readers found the story hilarious and a bit comforting, knowing that 8^th grade boys in Maine are behaving in the same time-honored, immature fashion as 8^th grade boys in Kansas and California.The news clip stimulated more ya-gotta-hear-this-one stories, a means of mental health for middle school teachers, who might go quietly insane if they couldn’t swap tales and laugh their backsides off. Teaching middle school is not for the faint of heart, nor those with a tiny, dried-up sense of humor.

Teachers also shared their perspectives on some educators’ propensity for creating a rule for every occasion—such as “No Farting”—and students’ equal and opposite tendency to break inane, unenforceable rules, just for the fun of it.

Someday, someone will write a book (a big book) entitled School Rules and Policies for (and by) Dummies. My personal contribution would be a stupid school rule passed years ago (and still on the books), requiring a detention for any student who gave another student a “flat.” A flat is what happens when one student steps on the back of another student’s shoe. Flats are endemic in crowded hallways, especially those populated by (you guessed it) 8^th grade boys, wearing tennis shoes the size and weight of concrete blocks. The flats policy necessitated a whole new round of student enlightenment, on the topics of intentional vs. inadvertent, personal space, and the difference between funny and annoying. If you want to read a nice synopsis of why teachers should think twice about making long lists of rules, make an appointment with Dr. Pezz.

Big Serious Policy Wonks probably think this kind of stuff represents the shallow nature of teachers and teaching. All I can say is, just try to drill home the principles of linear equations while kids are sitting with their necklines stretched over their noses.

Comments

[Susan Graham, Teacher]

Oh my! Here I was worrying about what comes out of their mouths! Now it appears that I have to worry about both ends.

But the underlying truth is that policymakers excuse themselves from the reality of issues such as middle schoolers who find great humor in farts, flats, wedgies and shanking. (For those who lack middle school experience, the former is the pulling up of classmate's underwear and the latter is the pulling down of a classmate's pants.) I wonder exactly how the "experts" would cope alone in the room with the kids.

[DrPezz]

Thanks for the link. :)

[DrPezz]

Thanks for the link. :)

[Mary Tedrow]

Ha, ha, ha, ha. The grown ups need to take a "chill" as we say in high school. Just last year one of my seniors wrote endlessly on his eighth grade party. (It was quite an event and made me cringe because I identified more with his mother than with him and his crude classmates - and this was a four year old memory he was writing about. Imagine how long this will last!) The problem is that most adults have conveniently forgotten what it is like to be 14. I remember the story that one of my colleagues told about her mother's classmates at about that age (this would have been about 1912) who thought it was hilarious to throw people's textbooks off the trolley as they went over the James River. I'm guessing he enjoyed loud flatulence as well (as did Shakespeare in many of his comedies.)

[Bob]

You have valuable policy relevant insights to share. You never know who reads your blog, why or when they read it, and what a reader will gain and operationalize from one idea you infer in a post. It only takes one reader to convert your words to a student's gain that would not have happened without you. I'd vote for you to continue gnawing away at the big issues. You're good at gnawing.

[Nancy Flanagan]

Well, I did try to tie this issue to local policy...

[Peter]

Very funny yet thought provoking. What's the zero tolerance consequence for breaking wind these days?