Parents vs. Teachers: Searching for Common Ground

In the TLN discussion group, Bill Ferriter used his recent essay for Teacher Magazine, 'Parents Are From Mars, Teachers Are From Venus,' as a springboard for further conversation about the often uneasy relationships between teachers and parents.

Bill wrote:

After reading through several of the comments posted on the Teacher Magazine website in response to my piece, I had a bit of a revelation: Parenting is as “transparent” as teaching, isn't it?

Think about it: One of the greatest challenges of teaching is that everyone seems to think that they "know" what it is that we do because they've sat in a classroom for the better part of their lives.

That experience somehow translates into overly confident -- borderline arrogant -- critics of our actions on a semi-regular basis. We give too much homework, we give too little homework; we are overly harsh when disciplining children, we aren't stringent enough; we're overpaid, we don't need extra planning time----you name it and the parents of my classroom probably have an opinion about it.

But aren't teachers often just as critical of parents?

Don't many of our peers automatically assume that students who struggle come from homes where moms and dads don't care? "If their parents would just make them do homework," we gripe. "If they'd teach discipline...If they'd send them with the proper supplies...If they'd model proper learning behaviors at home...If they'd just come to parent conferences."

In the end, don't we automatically assume that the parents of our students will have the skills and resources to support their children---and then hold a grudge against those who don't rise to our own expectations for "responsible parenting?"

Do parents and teachers both suffer from a false sense of transparency that leaves others questioning our decisions?

What actions would responsible educators take to avoid allowing assumptions to drive their thinking about the parents of their students?

Renee replied:

I agree that we as teachers are often just as unfairly critical of parents as they sometimes are of us. While educators often cry for more "parental involvement," that wish can be a two-edged sword. When parents really get involved, they tend to get in the teacher's "business" in a way that many of us might find uncomfortable; which is one reason I'm such a big supporter of real parent involvement.

Jim, a high school teacher, wrote:

Two years ago I became a foster parent of a 17-year old young man who had been a student in my Honors English class. The past two years have been filled with so many valuable lessons. As a first-time single parent, I have learned to appreciate the struggles of the parents of the students I teach. My, how I had oversimplified parenthood from my limited perspective as a teacher! Thanks, Bill, for opening this important dialogue.

David wrote:

Bill’s examples of teacher assumptions are easy traps to fall into, ones that I try to avoid by recalling all the counterintuitive examples I've seen — children who rise above their parenting, and children who seem impervious to everyone's best practices. I'm also learning by being a parent that my children have certain personality traits and learning styles that are not learned but innate. My boys are only 7 and 5, so I've only begun here, but it's fascinating to see how different they are from each other and from me, and how much they resist my occasional, misguided efforts to "improve" them! Wow, if it's this challenging to meet the learning needs and styles of two children, what on earth made me want to teach??

High school teacher Mary T. wrote:

Bill asked: “But aren't teachers often just as critical of parents?”

Raising three children is the most dynamic thing that ever happened to my teaching. I always say it was the best childhood development course I ever took. Here's what I learned:

• Every parent loves their child and wants the best for them. Yes, every parent. Even the ones who appear the most distant from the actual job -- or who might be addicted or absent. I always start parent conferences telling the parent what I have come to like about their child. No one likes to hear that better than a parent. And just try sending home a positive note about that little hell-raiser. Believe me, it is like offering water in the desert.

• Kids change. The ninth grader you see now may not resemble the adult you run into later. In the meantime they all share many of the same irritating behaviors no matter who raised them. (My assessment: ninth graders run hot and cold and are easily distracted; tenth graders are smart-alecks; eleventh graders are pulled in a hundred different directions because they have a driver's license (or want one), a job, a girlfriend, a paper due, etc.; twelfth graders have one foot out the door and will be a challenge to teach, the second half of the year especially.) Sharing that “change” idea with parents often relieves them and then you are both on the same side of the table: how will we address this particular child's challenges?

• This is often the first — and sometimes the last — time the parent has done this parenting job. They need our help. We just have to be careful how to offer it.

• Go look at your "problem child's" permanent record. There are pictures attached from earlier grades. Look at the ones from kindergarten through third grade. That cute little darling is the one that the parent sees -- not the one with the tattoos and the ring in the nose. Talk to the parent about that child.

• Most parents are terrified they are doing the wrong thing, even if they come off blustery and as a "know-it-all." (Heck, I question myself in the classroom daily. Raising humans is so complicated. And I know I made my share of mistakes with my kids.)

• I am grateful to my children's teachers. They could tell my kids things that — although I thought the same thing — I could never get away with. Thanks, guys.

BTW, I'm reading Freakonomics and they have two whole chapters on the influence of the parent on the child. The overall conclusion is: not much. What helps the child most is who the parent is in terms of their education and intelligence level. After that, kids are molded by peers AND by experiences in school. All that baby Mozart stuff doesn't do a darned thing.

Bill offered some additional comments:

My head has been swimming with thoughts related to the parent/teacher relationship, and those thoughts continue today. A buddy just sent an interesting article from the New York Times describing a research study on the causes of teacher burnout. It’s titled “Teacher Burnout? Blame the Parents.”

Here's a quote from the article:

Although perfectionism is often linked with job stress, teachers with perfectionist tendencies in this survey weren’t more likely to have burnout. But teachers who felt pressure to be perfect or experienced criticism for being imperfect were more likely to have burnout. Notably, the highest pressure to be perfect didn’t come from students or colleagues but from parents.

Do you feel "the highest pressure to be perfect" from the parents of your students? Does that pressure affect who you are or what you do in your classroom?

Does this pressure affect teachers from different grade levels differently? How about teachers with different levels of experience? Teachers working in affluent schools? Schools of poverty?

What can we do as accomplished educators to help parents to understand that "perfection" is almost impossible in a classroom?

Better yet, is perfection impossible in a classroom? And if so, why?

Cindi, a middle school teacher, replied:

I have had the pleasure to work in an affluent school in the past, and now I work in a very rural school where the majority of the parents did not pursue education after high school. I found that in the affluent school, even when I thought I was doing an activity/lesson that was pretty enriching and exciting, parents would challenge me often with "my child needs more work" and "the reason my child misbehaves in class is because he/she is bored." In my school now, I have found that parents are open and almost appreciative when I admit that I'm not perfect. Let me give you an example:

Earlier this year I was having a problem with a football player in my class. He was unfocused and continued making inappropriate noises and comments. Preferring to try to settle things in-house before calling his mother, I typed out a quick email to the football coach asking for help. The football coach, who apologized later, forwarded the email to the player's mother, who immediately forwarded it back to me with a message that read, "In the future, if you have problems with my son, talk to ME about it." Ouch.

Before I called her, I sat and reflected a moment and realized that if he were my own son, I wouldn't want to hear the news secondhand either. I called her and apologized for making a mistake. She immediately became very sweet and thanked me for the job I do, etc. She seemed to genuinely understand that teachers aren't perfect.

Cossondra wrote:

I do feel increased pressure from parents the longer I teach. From my perspective though, that is a wonderful thing.

When I first came to this school and town, no one knew me, and really had no expectations for me. Now that I have been here for longer than dinosaurs roamed the earth, it seems most students who come into my class have a connection. I have taught their older siblings, cousins, friends, etc.

When I send home my Million Words parent assignment in the fall, invariably I get a chunk of them back with comments about having other students tell them how great I was when they had me, or how I made a difference in the life of a sibling, or how a parent had asked around at work and heard I was a terrific teacher. Those words put the pressure on me to be “all I can be” for my students, mostly in a good way. I appreciate knowing that parents and students alike feel I am fair, demanding and understanding. But I will admit that each year, I feel more and more pressure to maintain that reputation.

Parent pressure can be a good thing.. just like positive peer pressure. We just have to keep our perspective on the situation.

Renee wrote:

I have questions about the term "perfect" or "perfectionism." In order for parents (or anyone else for that matter) to demand perfection from a teacher, they have to have a standard (or standards) in mind. What is the "perfect" teacher?

The major "pressure" I've gotten from parents has been to treat them and their children with respect. Like Cossondra, most of my interactions with parents have been good; the few that weren't being anomalies.

Anne, who is now a professional development leader, reflected back on her own experience:

As a middle school teacher, I didn't resent parents, but I normally didn't jump with joy at the thought of parent conferences. Why was that? I've been considering some possible reasons, and I think the main one was lack of time. Parents were squeezed in during planning periods when there were other meetings to attend, forms to get in to the office, and papers to grade.

I've been thinking of an interesting idea here: What if parents were "built in" to the school culture and organization as a normal way of doing business – not as an add-on? It seems to me that (in my experience) most of the parent-teacher interactions are initiated by parents, unless the child is in academic trouble or is a discipline problem. And in that case, many of those meetings are stressful for both parents and teachers. By middle school, parents don't do much initiating and become progressively less involved.

So, how would we build in parents as an normal and natural part of the life of a school? Anybody working with a school that does that?

Ellen, who works in K-8 public charter school, replied:

Part of our charter emphasizes the parent as a partner and collaborator in the school and their child's education. Families are expected to volunteer 52 hours a year (they can do work at home, during the school day, on the weekends, etc....lots of ways to get those hours!) and attend a couple of mandatory meetings and parent conferences. Do we get 100%? No, but anyone on our campus for even 30 minutes would see parents actively involved at our school. Here are some things we do that (I think) encourage parent involvement:

1. We have evening parent meetings at every grade level and class scheduled by the classroom teacher. At that time we ask for volunteers for a variety of things. The younger grades have a lot of parents helping in the classroom with various projects, and in the 8th grade, we have a parent committee that plans graduation.

2. Volunteer opportunities: run errands; work in the office; chaperone field trips, dances and extended field trips; help coordinate science night, art night, and a literary festival; attend parent coffees with the principal; do office work from home; PTA; gardening committee; fundraising committee; Gala committee; classroom assistance; guest speaking, etc. Lots more....

3. We have social activities and opportunities to interact more casually with parents with our Gala (also a huge fundraiser for the school), talent show, and academic nights (art & science).

4. Our school culture is to look at the parent, the teacher and the child as three partners in the education experience, so we work from that paradigm. Sometimes this needs a little work, because a few of our parents thinks this means telling us how to teach. Our principal 100% backs us up on that front, and this is such a minor issue compared to the payoff we get by treating parents and their kids as partners in learning.

5. Parent-teacher conferences are scheduled on our school calendar--we have half-days during conference week where teachers teach a half day and use the rest of the time for conferences. We set up conference times and have a parent volunteer make contact and schedule parents in.

There isn't a day that goes by, even at 8th grade, when I don't see and chat with one of my parents. They're on campus, involved in something or picking their child up from school.

I love this aspect of my school. We have some obnoxious parents, of course. But I've seen just how wonderful it can be to have parents as partners.

Renee wrote:

I really like Anne's idea and Ellen’s comments about parents being included in the structure or fabric of our school life, although this is harder to achieve in some areas. Some great turnarounds have occurred where parents have taken the initiative to re-insert themselves into the lives of their schools. I know of one school in Detroit that parents literally took back from the drug dealers. Another in Memphis has Dads who patrol the school grounds before and after school to help protect the kids.

Many charter or private schools are proud of their parental involvement, but they're dealing with parents who took the initiative to get their kids in or start the school.

Anne commented on Ellen’s description of her school’s approach to parent partnerships:

I love this statement from the great information you sent about parents and their involvement in your school, Ellen:

“There isn't a day that goes by, even at 8th grade, when I don't see and chat with one of my parents. They're on campus, involved in something or picking their child up from school.”

In the final analysis, it's all about building relationships, isn't it? We must build warm and sincere relationships and trust with parents and students. Without that, teaching becomes a chore rather than a rewarding job.

Amy agreed:

One way to help parents deal with your expectations is to make them feel you genuinely want to understand their child. Bill said it all when he pointed out that parents are experts on their children. I know that the way we listen to parents can have a profound effect on whether or not they feel they need protect their child from us or confidently turn him over to our capable hands. Yes we are experts and professionals, but parents know their children.

Early parent contact sets the stage for everything. If you're making first contact to talk about a problem, it's already too late to make that great first impression. I spent 22 years in a high school classroom, so I know that when you have hundreds of students, it's harder and harder to contact parents, but it can be done. I sent out 10 postcards each and every week with good news of some sort. It may have been improved attendance, better scores on a test, comment on an athletic performance... anything. But this kind of contact is vital to build those relationships. Parents are less likely to be pushy and demanding of perfection when they see you as a real person who is paying attention to the good stuff their kid is doing.

Read more of this interesting conversation – download the full transcript!

Comments

[John Norton]

Later, in the TLN discussion group, Jon wrote:

While reading many of the posts about parents vs. teachers I couldn't help but think about perceptions. In our district, gifted children are grouped in cluster classrooms in the elementary schools. Parents perceive these classes as better......their classroom teachers as preferable.....the other classrooms as less than desirable. When in fact, the teachers of the gifted have no more training than those in a non-gifted classroom....and personally, I feel many of the non-gifted classroom teachers are better qualified to effect change within the classroom than their gifted counterparts.

Another misconception is that middle and high school children don't want their parents involved in their education. In secondary school my boys were quite receptive to my involvement...but the word on the street is that you are no longer involved in your child's education once he/she reaches middle school.

Much of what happens in our schools is based upon perceptions. Having worked in schools which were expected to fail, I know how difficult it is to overcome public attitudes. What is perceived is not always real.......but proving this to our parents is not an easy job. How do we ensure that our parents are given a "true" picture of our schools? And will they be receptive to the information?